Seattle Highlights

Seattle

1.  An elderly, thin woman wearing a purple and pink ensemble a la my third grade yearbook picture.  Every minute and a half she could be seen from behind stomping her patent leather cowboy boots on the sidewalk pavement.  I give Whitney the WTF face and then she points out the woman has turrets.  As I gawk at the woman – now on the other side of the street – she does, in fact, turn around and start yelling inaudible obscenities into the ether.

2.  Our three and a half hour Zac Posen (don’t get excited, this is probably the 16th time this collection has “showed”) fitting, complete with visually intriguing but physically punishing S&M-like belts, headbands, and necklaces.  Gold and silver spikes were affixed to thick leather straps with screws and washers.  On top of that were delicate and very sharp metal leaves, one of which caught me off guard when I bent my neck down to check my shoe and it stabbed me in the throat.

3.  Standing barefoot, waiting around like idiots.  (See Number 2)

4.  Standing in shoes, waiting around some more.  (See Number 3)

5.  Four of us ladies had a lovely stroll down by Pike Place, shopping for nonsense and looking at trees.  We decided to switch things up a bit on the return back to the hotel, taking a less crowded street.  Ah, but appearances were quite deceiving.  As we approached a lovely park with a giant totem pole of an eagle with saggy tits we couldn’t help but notice that this was the outdoor patio of about 19 homeless gentlemen.  They weren’t shy either.  Thank god they were too drunk to understand what they were yelling at us.  As we quickly scamper past back to the safety of a street with Pita Pits and Starbucks and tourists, I notice a wall mural of pirates raping ravishing some busty babes.  Wouldn’t that have been ironic.  Life imitating art or something of that nature…

6.  The hotel bellmen that called me “ma’am” as I walked out of the hotel this morning.  This is something that always bothers me, as I am far too young to be called anything but “miss.”  Aside from that, I was wearing acid wash cut-off shorts up to my you-know-what: if the wind blew a certain way my butt cheeks showed.  Now would a ma’am pull that off?  I think not, boys.  These fellows obviously didn’t graduate college.

7.  Unfortunately I did not wake up in the middle of the night to what I understand was quite the 2 AM commotion.  Apparently some woman was screaming something, sounding like she was organizing a late night protest rally to no one.  Lucky enough for the girls on the second floor with their windows open, they were able to decipher the gist of the conversation, which went something like, “STOP SHOOTING THAT DIRTY SHIT INTO YOUR VEINS!”

8.  The taxi driver who kindly left his window open, allowing me to get some fresh air and allowing for him to chew his nails like a nine year old and spit them out with a classy, wet “PUH.”

9.  During the two hour wait for my uber-hip Virgin America aircraft to arrive, I had the pleasure of sitting next to an elderly couple who never went to charm school.  The man introduced himself with a burp and the woman followed with the presentation of their thoughtfully and economically prepared-at-home food (rice and hard boiled eggs, which smelled just delightful).  After they were all done, the man slowly hobbled off somewhere and the woman started picking her teeth and making sucking sounds when she was successful with the dig.

10.  Zac Posen talking to a room of distracted people not paying any attention, saying “Now, ENERGY!  Let’s bring the ENERGY!” with a flute of champagne in his hand.  “We’re in Seattle, let’s bring the sunshine!”  Ordinarily this adorable little pep talk would be greeted with the obligatory giggles and head-nods…but no one was there to do so and I felt bad that his enthusiasm went unrewarded and only served to make me feel awkward.

11.  Right before I boarded the airplane I heard a man yelling, among other things, “FUCK.”  I look over in the direction of the sound and he is sitting in the middle of the walkway with his legs stretched out, banging his hand on his cell phone and laughing to himself when he’s not busy swearing.  I wasn’t aware this type of behavior was even allowed in airports without the impeding probability of a full cavity search.  I am the last person in line to board and I stare back at the terminal, making sure this guy isn’t on my flight.  Relief washes over me when the red door closes and locks, keeping all sorts of crazy out of this plane.

12.  When getting to my seat I had to tell the woman breast-feeding in it that, “Sorry, you’re in my seat.”  After I did so, I felt like an asshole.  Are you supposed to give up your aisle seat for pregnant or may-as-well-be-pregnant-still women for their center ones?  Is this like letting an old guy take your seat on the subway?  I was wondering if anyone had judged me for being rude or inconsiderate, but the gentleman by the window was her husband so it would have been a shame to separate the family for too long.  The baby started crying immediately and of course I made the grumbly mutterings in my head – “Come on, REALLY?!” and “This is going to be the worst flight of my life.”  The mom looked at me and told me that he’s usually really good.  Of course I was nice and said “Oh, I’m sure.”  And then I looked at the kid.  He was a cute little fucker and I forgave him immediately.  He barely made a peep the rest of the ride home.  And to boot, on my way out I got a gander at the mom’s boob in mid-suckle.

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