While discussing the benefits of Manhattan and the pitfalls of living in Los Angeles with a perfect stranger while waiting for my flight at JFK, we stumbled upon obvious epiphanies. Alex (my new friend having needed my services in the form of a blackberry charger) said that once he arrives in New York he looks around and comes to that glorious, pop culture “Ah ha! So this is what’s going on in the world.” This is where trends happen and when they happen they happen hard. Music, art, fashion. The works. Los Angeles is isolative, wanting, and notoriously unhip. Even the “hip” people out here strike me as vomitously unhip in comparison with what’s walking around Williamsburg and the East Village. And, actually, when I think about it, even the “hip” kids in New York make me cringe because it’s a bit of a uniform at this point. So maybe, what I’m thinking of is fashion. Fashion happens in New York. Hip happens everywhere because it’s accessible and trendy. But fashion…this is why I love New York.
And so, in my week of glorious, unbridled, uncompromising, awkward, staring, enamored people watching I bequeath to you…The New York Wrap Up.
1. Exposed ankles…The recession has left many a hipster penniless and mooching, meaning that any way to cut corners is duly welcome. Socks, in particular, seem to be high on the list of “wants” and not “needs.” Boys with dainty ankles and presumably smelly shoes have gone for it in the last few seasons, rolling up their trousers in the event of a Hudson River flood.
2. The Chanel-Wielding Fashion Bitch…Close yours eyes and imagine Lindsay Lohan with a degree in Public Relations. Color does not exist and black is the shade of preference.
3. Agnes Deyn Blondes…BYOB, please. Bring Your Own Bleach, that is. I had to do a couple double takes over the last seven days, seeing what I thought was model Aggie Deyn. At one point I was really confused because one of her dopplegangers spoke with a British accent.
4. Animal Hoof Heels…This year the fashion set looked distinctively like a heard of ponies from the calf down, legs weighted to Earth by gravity and a pair of two ton clunkers.
5. Torn Tights…I used to be pissed when my nylons got tears in them. Now I look at them as high fashion opportunities of gothic grandeur. The goal is to see more leg and less solid fiber. You want to look as though you’ve fallen into a black spider web and rolled around for a few.
6. Madonna Redux…Lady Gaga was on the right track rolling around on the MTV VMA stage looking like a meth’d out sheep who’d got into her mother’s 1980s lingerie stash and a bucket of glitter. Although I have to say, Madonna’s original version of that performance in “Like a Virgin” was a personal favorite of mine, Lady Gaga did make me think when she started bleeding profusely from her gut whether I just didn’t understand her art or this was really a piece of shit performance. Thankfully, the kids on the street didn’t next-level it like GagMe and instead opted for Madonna’s more subtle influence: silver chains, lace, big hair, etc. The afforementioned Torn Tights look fits well into this trend.
7. Plaid…At one point there were six gentlemen on the corner of Prince and Lafayette wearing varying colors of the same pattern. I felt like I was in Catholic school all over again.
8. Not Bathing…Now it would be wrong of me to state that this is actually a new phenomenon, as the last few years have been rife with ripe smelling hipsters. But it all came to a head whilst at the Tribeca Grand for a Misshapes party. For the record, rain plus hair that has not been washed in the last week produces an odor that is quite palpable. In fact, it hung in the air more strongly than the cigarette smoke pouring out of their mouths and was doubly more offensive. Viva la dirty. Is this where the green movement is heading?
9. Have Travel, Will Screw…Oh, boys boys boys. When will my friends learn that just because the per capita ratio of beautiful girls to mere mortal men has increased ten fold due to fashion week (with the added bonus of a scarcity of proficient English and thus a limited opportunities to speak verbosely), this doesn’t mean that you’re going to get laid. Stay back in Los Angeles and work on having sex with a 7. Thank you.
10. Sequins…My retinas are still recovering.
Damn it, I love New York.