Field Trip: “Stef Van Der Laan – From Nada to Prada” on The Style Con

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The following is an excerpt from my regular series “From Nada to Prada,” as seen on The Style Con:

One million years ago there was a great movie called Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken. For those of you kiddie bitches out there born in the ‘90s who’ve never touched a VHS tape, in a nutshell, the movie’s about a chick that moves from the country to do these horse-jumping tricks on the Atlantic City boardwalk whilst wearing totally unsexy bloomer-esque bathing suits. The goal is to hop on a charging horse and jump from the height of a three-story building into a pool of water and, like, I don’t know, entertain children or something. Anyway, it doesn’t go well and she goes blind. I mean, what do you expect when you strap a half-ton animal to your feet and go diving into a puddle? POINT BEING… the whole horse-jumping thing has gone the way of the dodo (for safety reasons clearly evident in the film), but the hairstyle the horse-jumper sportedis back like major.

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Field Trip: “A Stud. A Shave. A Statement” on Harry’s Five O’Clock

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The following is an excerpt from my regular series “A Stud. A Shave. A Statement,” as featured on Harry’s Five O’Clock Mag:

Long before doping schemes and $10,000 bikes there was Marshall Taylor, the first African American to take the title of “World Champion” – and that was forall sports, not just biking. Taylor (one of his many nicknames was the “Worchester Whirlwind”) and his viciously swift wheels paved the way for other African American superstars like Jackie Robinson, Jack Johnson, and Willie O’Ree. 

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Field Trip: “Bare Naked Ladies” on Lady Clever

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The following is an excerpt from my piece “Hey Naked Girl,” as seen on Lady Clever:

For someone who has been professionally naked for the better part of ten years, you’d think my tolerance for gym locker nudity would be higher. After all, at least sixty percent of all meals I have eaten over the course of my modeling career have been topless. Within the context of “work,” I’ve stripped down in front of employers, coworkers, friends, unsuspecting passerbys. In fact, I’ve been semi-nude around so many of my also semi-nude model friends, if you lined them all up against a wall and covered their faces, I could tell you whose breasts belonged to who. It’s fine; part of my compensation is for the general indecency of over-exposure. But outside of work, I’m still the squeamish 9-year-old who winces every time she accidentally catches a glimpse of a woman bending over with no undies on.

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Field Trip: “Focussed on Things That Matter” on Lady Clever

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The following is an excerpt from my recent piece “Focussed on Things That Matter,” as seen on Lady Clever:

“Hey, Jenny. It’s ____________. Your friends gave me your phone number after you left. Give me a call or text me whenever. I’d like to buy you a drink.”

After being single for practically four years, you would think a text message like this would leave a girl swooning, but not here, not in New York. The phrase “give me a call” immediately sends my stomach falling through the floor, my senses overcome with a combination of paralysis and nausea. Give me a call… This isn’t the charmed opening for a lifelong relationship; it is the death knell for my own sanity, a Venus flytrap I have finally begun to see for what it is. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 43 times, shame on me. Like an old basketball player fearing broken bones, I have taken myself out of the game.

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Field Trip: Kanye West’s New “Bound 2” Video on The Style Con

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The following is an excerpt from my piece, “Breaking News: Kim Kardashian Loves Unicorns,” as featured on The Style Con:

The following is an imagined conversation between Kanye West and director Nick Knight before the filming of his latest video, “Bound 2.” Given the nature of all things “imaginary,” it never really happened. So, if you’re reading this Kanye, don’t get your Givenchy panties in a bunch.

Nick Knight: So, Kanye. I have a couple ideas…

Kanye West: Okay, okay, okay. We gonna open up with SCREEN SAVERS from my ’93 Sony Vaio desktop. I want it everything all… hyper-bright, perfect. Stock footage, man. STOCK FOOTAGE. I want eagles soarin’, sunsets settin’, snow-capped mountain peaks. AMERICA, Nick Knight. Kanye West wants fucking AMERICA. Did I tell you about the albino ponies? Put albino ponies in that intro. Unless you can get unicorns. Kim-loves-unicorns.

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Field Trip: “A Debate About Batkid” on Lady Clever

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The following is an excerpt from my piece, “A Debate About Batkid,” as seen on Lady Clever:

Last week, a five-year-old known as “Batkid” took to the streets of San Francisco, sporting mini-muscled costume and a flowing cape. That day, while the city gamely transformed itself into Gotham, the lucky little boy got a spin in the Batmobile, saved a damsel in distress, and arrested the Riddler. This once-in-a-lifetime opportunity was provided by the Make-a-Wish Foundation,  organization that specializes in granting wishes to kids whose lives are typically about to be cut too short.

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Field Trip: “30 Seconds to Blowing My Brains Out” on The Style Con

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The following is an excerpt from my piece “30 Seconds to Blowing My Brains Out,” as featured on The Style Con:

New Jersey, 2002. My friend and I were waiting for Incubus to take the stage (can’t begrudge a Cali girl some Brandon Boyd), while we talked about having just moved to New York City, how Jersey didn’t seem as bad as people made it out to be, and all the hot, straight men we imagined NYU totally, definitely, absolutely be chock full of. And then, all of a sudden, we heard it. That awful sound. A horrible, screeching wretchedness pumping out the venue speakers and assaulting the audience. “Uggghhhh, what the fuck is that?!” we screamed, clutching our young hands to vulnerable ears. Though we didn’t realize it then, the answer to the question was 30 Seconds to Mars, a massively crappy band still in its infancy, led by none other than my childhood crush, Jordan Catalano – I mean Jared Leto.

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Field Trip: “Lera Tribel” From Nada to Prada” on The Style Con

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The following is an excerpt from my piece “Lera Tribel: From Nada to Prada,” as featured on The Style Con:

In our ongoing series, From Nada to Prada, we explore the transformative power of a hair switcheroo, as seen in the competitive world of Model Land, where an agency-mandated bang cut or a bleach job can make the difference between booking a Prada campaign or slaving away in the gray ether of e-commerce for the rest of your livelong days.

As early as November last year, Lera Tribel was an unknown at Next Models, languishing on their board with heaps of other young, foreign, pale-skinned, dishwater blondes. (If you want to be just another dishwater blonde in this industry, you better have a face like Natalia Vodianova. That face could cure cancer; it’s that perfect.)

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Field Trip: Richard Prince’s “Monochromatic Jokes” on CR Fashion Book

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The following is an excerpt from my piece on Richard Prince’s “Monochromatic Joke” series, as featured on CR Fashion Book:

Tiny fissures run through the letters when viewed up close, decade-old consonants and vowels revealing their age. For the first time in fifteen years, Richard Prince’s “Monochromatic Jokes” have found their way Stateside, affixed to the white walls of New York’s Nahmad Contemporary, displaying your usual off-colored jokes in unexpected colors. 

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Field Trip: “Ask a Lady: No Hair Don’t Care” on Harry’s Five O’Clock Magazine

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The following is an excerpt from my regular “Ask a Lady” column, as featured on Harry’s Five O’Clock Magazine:

For a man in his prime, even a few hairs in the sink on a Sunday morning can wreak havoc on his self confidence. Questions probably arise: Will my standing at work diminish? Will my dating and romantic life take a hit? How will I know which SPF is appropriate for my head? None are particularly fun things to ponder. In short: is losing my hair going to be a massive inconvenience? After all, hair is one of man’s few vanities. We like when a guy gets ruts under his eyes and crow’s feet – those mean he’s lived. Men have been able to pull off jowls, age-induced robustness, and going gray with enviable aplomb, but losing one’s hair strikes a particular nerve. But does it have to?

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