I Got Lame Shamed Out of a Septum Piercing

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The following is an excerpt from a piece originally featured on Lady Clever:

I’m standing in the lobby of a tattoo and piercing parlor on 2nd Avenue, my hair freshly blown-out and blonde from a four-hour salon appointment, my tawny blazer just grazing my thighs. A proper grown up lady. (No matter how hard you try, everyone ends up turning into some stylistic amalgamation of their mother, my exposed midriff be damned.) The telltale buzz of a working gun sings behind a closed door, where I imagine someone sits, trying desperately not to cry, lest they look as lame as I feel right now, a girl dressed up like Business Casual Fridays, wanting to get her septum pierced.

The girl behind the counter, who I delayed and dumbly notice has the piercing I want (“Oh! Ha! Ha! You have one, too! Duh.”) tells me you can turn it in right away. I sense that the fact that I’ve basically asked how quickly I can make it look as though I do not have a ring through my face is indication I should not really be getting one at all. But, in truth, I have work to consider: the occasional modeling job that falls in my lap that does not require my looking like some sort of rebel without a cause.

But I am a rebel! And I do have a cause!

 

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From Nada to Prada: Natalie Westling

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The following is an excerpt from a piece originally seen on The Style Con:

I can’t figure out what it is about 17-year-old model Natalie Westling. Maybe it’s the ratio of eyes to lips—how those giant, baby-girl doll orbs threaten to swallow you whole, how her pert, tight-lipped pout offers you nothing. The character. The neighborhood skater turned high fashion model vibes. That’s probably what it is. That, and, you know, that flaming red hair always gets me. I think I inherited my dad’s affinity for gingers.

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“Bara Holotova: From Nada to Prada” on The Style Con

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Czech model Bara Holotova has one of those faces that you don’t have to do anything to—there’s no need for much maintenance beyond maybe a smear of Chapstick and a flick of Maybelline. Her cheekbones do the talking. I mean, you could keep change in those gorgeous little hollows. Still fresh into her teens, Bara started off in 2007, a pretty little Lolita with a wicked pout and porcelain skin. If Anna Paquin, Behati Prinsloo, and Lara Stone had a baby (if only!), it would be Bara. And so our little supermodel/superactress hybrid has been doing the rounds for the last few years, switching up her hair like most people change their pants. Just because you don’t technically need to do anything with a face like that, doesn’t mean agencies aren’t going to want to bleach, chop, and shred your hair into the 8th dimension on the off chance you might finally book, you know, Prada.

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“Mirian Haney: From Nada to Prada” on The Style Con

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The following is an excerpt from my piece “Mirian Haney: From Nada to Prada” on The Style Con:

Sign of the times? California newcomer Miriam Haney started out in late 2013 already beating the industry at its own game, arriving freshly shorn, all bangs and no baggage – just how I like ‘em. Six months later, she’s growing that shit out. Nada to Prada-ing in reverse, as it were. Which begs the question: Is short hair over?

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“NYFW Casting #134,912” on Lady Clever

nyfw-1024x708The following is an excerpt from my piece “NYFW Casting #134,912” as seen on Lady Clever:

The girl standing outside can’t figure out how to work the intercom. I come in quickly, overriding her ineptitude for the sake of time, efficiency, and the fact it feels like 10 degrees in New York right now. Having easily seen the name of the client marked clearly on a button, I press with a gloved finger. Someone on the eighth floor lets us in, the door unlocking with a buzz. “You’re better at this than I am,” she says. Heaven help me.

Four tiny girls share a tiny elevator and disembark into a room already filled with so many models I force myself to not turn on my heel and leave immediately. After all, you can’t book work if don’t stick around. That’s part of the job. But fashion week castings are especially tedious, with lines not dissimilar to the ones you’ll find outside Apple before a product launch. Only the difference is that the people at the front of an iPhone 7 line, who have demonstrated patience and fortitude and motivation, will walk away with something. You could be the first one at a casting, wait for three hours, and still go home empty handed. Every casting is like a lottery ticket. Sometimes you win, most times you don’t.

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“NYFW: A Guide for Creepy Pervs” on The Style Con

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The following is an excerpt from my piece “NYFW: A Guide for Creepy Pervs” as seen on The Style Con:

It’s New York Fashion Week casting season and you know what that means! Time to break up with that girl you’ve been dating! There’s no place quite like New York to live in the perpetual quest of the Bigger Better Deal, and no better time to capitalize on that dick-driven delusion quite like NYFW. Yes, this is a magical time in a magical place. On any given Sunday there is always someone richer, hotter, and younger than what you’ve currently got welded onto your ankle, chaffing your skin and annoying the shit out of you. NYFW, with its parade of 100-pound baby aliens, will make you regret every vaguely old, not entirely pretty chick you’ve liked over the last ten years, sending you weeping into your pillow at night over years of low standards. Love really is a beast of burden, especially when you’re trying to prove to all your dude friends that you’re the man in the Bang Department. That’s right. Bang Department.

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“Gracie Van Gastel: From Nada to Prada” on The Style Con

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The following is an excerpt from my piece “Gracie Van Gastel: From Nada to Prada” as seen on The Style Con:

In modeling, there are some girls who just start out getting it. Even in the most horribly lit,over-styled, makeup-caked test shoot taken in the bowels of some photo studio in the middle of anti-fashion hell, they manage to shine through against all odds, communicate their, I don’t know, model aura or something. I’ve seen these girls operate in real-time, and, say what you will about the talent required to model, it’s something to behold. These girls are the unicorns, the girls who, at ages as young as 14 years old, when most acne-riddled twerps are just freaking out about whether or not the shoes they wore to school were Popular Kid Approved, possess a transparency that took myself, as a model, over eight years to get, which, given the brevity of most modeling careers, is about seven years, eleven months, and thirteen days too long. But the unicorns… they’re the lucky ones. They’re like Harvard-bound dorks born understanding calculus. Only, you know, these are fashion babes destined for Vogue.

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“Andreea Diaconu: From Nada to Prada” on The Style Con

Screen-Shot-2014-01-05-at-11.12.05-AMThe following is an excerpt from my piece “Andreea Diaconu: From Nada to Prada” on The Style Con:

“No Makeup.” That’s one of the first categories of Google-able images you’ll find of Romanian model Andreea Diaconu, second only to “Street Style” – which basically means bitch has a wardrobe and a face that will make you hate her desperately. And let’s not even talk about that body. Jesus Christ. Life, as many know all too well, is not always fair. It doles out its blessings unevenly, like a crappy saltshaker with half of its holes corroded with an old, brackish crust. Some people get nothing, most people get something, and others get it all. Andreea falls into the latter camp.

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“From Nada to Prada: Soo Joo Park on The Style Con”

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The following is an excerpt from my piece “From Nada to Prada: Soo Joo Park” on The Style Con:

Unless you’ve been living under a rock with scant access to magazine stands or high-speed Wi-Fi, you’ve probably heard of Soo Joo Park. The Korean-born, California-bred model made it big in the fashion world in 2013, following a we-don’t-fuck-around bleaching of epic proportions. The result? A new-and-improved Soo Joo, rocking an elfin, Orlando Bloom circa Lord of the Rings vibe — you know, if Orlando Bloom was a lady babe who looked bangin’ in Chanel. But torching her strands within an inch of its life seems a tiny price to pay for the success that came as a result. What girl wouldn’t risk getting her hair a little crispy in exchange for Chanel and Tom Ford campaigns?

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Zlata Magnafic: From Nada to Prada on The Style Con

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The following is an excerpt from my regular series, “From Nada to Prada,” as seen on The Style Con:

When you’ve got kick ass Chrissie Hynde vibes, you don’t try to cover it all up by being, you know, your average pretty chick. One of my favorite chop-chop success stories is IMG’s Zlata Mangafic, who arrived on the fashion scene in 2012 with long, mousy brown hair vaguely reminiscent of actress (and famed on-camera hair-adjuster) Kristen Stewart. The look was precious, natural, very girl-next-door-ish – the type of unassuming babe I’d want my brother to settle down with one day, who would arrive to family Christmas parties with some organic flourless cocoa kale cake topped with self-harvested sea salt that she baked herself. Apparently the wholesome, I-make-kale-cakes look wasn’t winning her too many gigs. Soon after her arrival came a good and proper rock-and-roll shag… and this new Zlata wasn’t bakin’ shit for nobody.

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