Brooke Candy’s “Opulence” Video Makes Me Excruciatingly Uncomfortable

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The following is an excerpt originally seen on The Style Con:

It’s a scene from any Guy Ritchie film. Gritty, sour, filthy and remote.  The sounds are turned up to exacerbate the violence: heels slamming against the tile floor, the sound of hard leather smacking against flesh, roars of effort on the part of Brooke Candy and the moans of agony from the man she’s beating the living shit out of. All fifteen pounds of the singer eventually manages to throw her offender to the ground, breaking his neck between a pair of stiletto heels. And then, while using dialogue about two notches about a ‘90s porn, she begins to fleece him, tearing money out of his pockets, counting it, and then stuffing it into his mouth. It is not the most violent thing I have ever seen—not even coming close to anything out of the original Oldboy—but the reaction it elicits is decidedly stomach turning. Though I’ll watch this video nearly 20 times to figure out how I feel about it, I’ll skip the first minute, unable to even listen to it play out from the other side of the room.

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“This Video Taught Me Everything and Nothing. I Can’t Be Sure” on The Style Con.

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I’ve been wanting to go to Poland for a long time. “Warsaw: Spring Break 2014” just has this unshakable ring to it. Yet despite its seemingly universal appeal—the siren’s call of the Eastern Bloc—I haven’t been able to get anyone over there with me. Everyone’s all, “Let’s go to St. Barths” or “Miami for the weekend, anyone?” and I’m standing here, alone, with a coach class ticket from LOT and tears welling in my eyes. Well, this latest music video from the Motherland featuring supermodel Anja Rubik isn’t likely going to sway any of my friends. Even though it should. Because it is amazing. Amazing in the way MS-DOS was amazing, in the way PAC-MAN was amazing, in the way all of those technological advances of my childhood I could reference right now and date myself horribly—Carmen Sandiego, MYST, a late-model ‘80s Motorola—are amazing.

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Field Trip: “Hey, Christina Aguilera. Say Something Else” on Lady Clever

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The following is an excerpt from my piece “Hey, Christina Aguilera. Say Something Else,” as seen on Lady Clever:

I keep waiting for the tears to come. Computer in lap, radiating my ovaries so that I one day produce children with three legs, I stand at the ready, prepared for the flood. “Heartbreaking!” Huffington Post warned me. “Cry!” commanded MTV. Even a friend whom I generally consider a human being of good taste and intelligence reported that it rendered her to tears. But here I am, weeping held at firmly bay, like a heartless, unmoving, emotionally blunted rock.

Xtina, you will have none of me.

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